Why vulvas don’t need perfume

A friend had a WTF moment recently when she came across an advertisement for bum masks. No, not the kind to protect you against covid, the other kind. Beauty masks. Look see…

Brazilian Bum Bum Cream: A rich yet fast absorbing body cream with an addictive vanilla-pistachio scent. Loaded with caffeine and antioxidants, this cream will nourish, firm and impart a natural glow to the skin.

She shared this cleverly named (insert sarcastic tone here) cream in our messenger chat with a disbelieving emoji face. Is this actually a thing, she asked.

Yep. I answered. Insert rolling eyes emoji. My most used one second only to praying hands.

You see, it seems that women need to have a glowing ass. One that is smooth, exfoliated and glowing. Give me break! As if women aren’t sold enough products their bodies ‘need’ every second of the day.

Don’t believe me? How much time have you got? Let’s start from the top and work our way down, shall we?

  • dye to cover our grey hair
  • lotions to tame our hair
  • pore minimising creams
  • firming/radiance/illuminating/anti wrinkle creams
  • eye bag/ eye wrinkle creams
  • lip serums
  • contour kits
  • hair removal creams
  • shavers for our face
  • neck firming lotions
  • bands to wear for a chiseled jawline
  • breast firming lotions
  • décolletage lotions
  • tanning lotions
  • skin tightening creams for the stomach/arms/butts/thighs
  • pads to make wearing high heels easier
  • heel balms
  • foot scrubs
  • blah, blah, blah…I’m exhausted!

Even for a skin care and cosmetics junkie like myself, it’s totally overwhelming when I think about how many products are pitched at us. Just when we thought we had all our shit together, an ad will pop up on your feed asking “Do you wish your nose was thinner?”

Ummm…no not really. But now that you mention it, it does a look little thick…you start thinking to yourself.

And yes, there is an actual product to give you the illusion of a smaller nose. Bloody hell!

But there’s one advertising pitch which really irks me! I mean really, really boils my blood.

Feminine hygiene products to keep our vulvas smelling and feeling clean!

Bravo to whoever had the bright idea of giving women a complex about how their vaginas smell. Really?

And this wouldn’t bother me so much if men were afforded the same privilege of feeling insecure about their crotch. Is there even a ball sac wash? A testicle talc? A penis perfume? And if not, why not?

Men are pitched with a one-product-does-it-all mentality. A shampoo for the body, hair, face, feet and whatever else they’re washing in the shower. And all in super size budget pump pack. No separate shampoo for coloured hair. No special body wash for firm buttocks. No moisturising lotion for smoother legs. No testicle cleaning soaps. Nope, just one bloody Nivea or Norsca product that does the whole lot!

Why are women faced with shelves of bullshit ‘femfresh’ products at the supermarket yet not one exists for men?

I’ll tell you why? It’s so women think there’s something wrong with the natural state of their vulva. That if it doesn’t smell like cotton candy there’s something wrong with it. That we need specific products to keep it fresh. We don’t. That we need to buy special perfume to spray ‘down there’. We don’t.


The vagina does not need it’s own special wash because the vagina is a self-cleaning organ. A healthy vagina has an effective ecology of bacteria that help it maintain the right pH.

We need to stop buying into the narrative that our *vaginas and vulvas are dirty! We have enough insecurities about our bodies, we do not need another one,

But if you need the vagina candle in your life, it’s available from GOOP, where else. Click here.

Love, Chrystal

(*The vagina is the muscular canal inside the body that the menstrual flow — and babies, during childbirth — passes through. The vulva refers to the outer portions around the vagina which includes the inner and outer vaginal lips (labia), the clitoral hood, the clitoris, pubic mound, and the urethra.)

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